Words of Comfort, Words of Sorrow unexplainable

Today at 6:52am

My Mom's brother died this am at 5:24 08/16/2008.I know, people die every day, every minutes, every hour..etc.But wrapped in his passing is a collection of miracles and infinete loss that I hope to impart some hard gained truth to those who take the time to read.

My uncle was on his death bed for most of the week. He has one other brother in TX, and two sisters ( my mom and my God mother), His beautiful in every way wife, Stephanie. To briefly give you the scope of the miracle- The four siblings- mom, godmother, uncle Dave, and Uncle Jack havent all talked in over 10 years.

My mom got the call on Wednesday that he was in the Cancer Care ward, and should come say goodbye. This door of Opportunity was a scary one, for my mom was carrying a heavy burden. She needed and so desperately wanted to hear the words ' Im sorry ' for something that happened between them over 50years ago. The hand squeezes of Thursday seemed to give her the peace she wanted. Yet her ears and her heart needed to hear those words.I sat there crying tears for my mom, as she told me the details of that night, and all the dividing that truth brought to her family over the years.I told my mom wisdom that I know, and knew she never read or heard.The gift of forgiveness. Its hard, but when someone says they are sorry, or sometimes even in the absence of an ' Im sorry', it is such a freeing feeling to say- ' I FORGIVE YOU'.

Well, my mom watched her brother take his last breath just a few moments ago, and before he did- he had all the clarity and vocal strength of months ago, and called out my mom's name, and she rushed to his side.' What do you want to talk about ' my mom softly spoke.
My uncle looked her in the eye and stated ' Im So Sorry'to which my mom graciously replied,
' Its ok Jack, I forgive you' for every time her mantra-like repeating' I forgive you, ' His ' Im sorry's occurred, he squeezed her hand tighter.
Everyone in the room knew what he was sorry for.My aunt told my mom after
he had passed, ' Im so sorry for doubting you'.

The miracle of Forgiveness is such a powerful thing. Im so greatful that they were able to have that moment.But.. all this has brought up the event of my own brother's passing.I wasnt so lucky to have a bedside confession with my own brother. Not many people are that lucky.the death of a sibling, cuts closer to your own mortality than anything else.

The issue I am grappling with , and need prayer upon, is the emptyness I feel for my Uncle. You see, I hear so many stories, of people offering words of comfort to their loved ones by saying ' He/She is in a better place.'I cant for sure say that about my uncle. What an awful feeling that is?!!I pray that the discussion with my mom will enlighten her to the importance of Accepting Jesus as her Savior. And how I so desperatly want that for her, for my whole family.I sooo wish I didnt have this truth in my heart as I mourn my uncles passing. Yet- Im so eterneally greatful that I know the Lord. I soo wish I had peace that he was in a better place. And that we will all see him again someday.

Why do we Horde the Good News, The truth, The Gospel, the need for Salvation- to ourselves. It is this Greed/ this avoidance of th emost important conversation you can have with a family member, friend, stranger-- that haunts me now. Yet proplels me to open the door of opportunity that God has placed in front of me.To talk to my mom about Jesus. To lay at her feet the Truth, The Gospel, The need for Salvation.I trust, that if you are still reading- you will seek out your own doors of opportunity in your life to plant seeds with those in your life.Death should be a victory, a glorious release to know in your head, your heart that your loved one is truly going Home. not a soul-slap- that you failed your loved one by not sharing the Miracle of all Miracles.

I covet your prayers, My family covets your prayers.

In His Name,Julie
Updated 34 seconds ago

Prayer for a Friend.

When there are difficult decisions to be made, I seek the discernment of your will to wash over me like a babling brook somewhere in a New England town in Fall.

When there are moments I wish I could repeat, for my lack of restraint, I seek the reassurance that we are not called to be perfect.

When I start to take the proverbial wheel away from your Loving hands, I seek the correction like that of a loving parent when warranted, I seek the swift correction to stop my wandering ways.

When the opportunity presents itself for me to increase my burden, increase my spiritual maturity, I seek the opportunity to grow in my faith, to imprint my pain, and earthly struggles into my soul- so that I can praise you the evermore when the storm begins to let up and the sun begins to shine again.

You are the evermore, Your love is that of the wonderful ache in the cheeks of the one who cant stop laughing, and or smiling with a friend from days long ago.

You are the feeling I get when a loved one is leaving- and you cant stop the leaving,

the leaving..., or the letting go.

For our time is not ours to squander.

Let my day be filled with thoughts of Love. and Peace. And Hope.

Let me learn to love others with the Heart of Christ.

Let me set aside my excuses , let me throw them overboard, and swim to you.

You Are Greater, You Are.

Loss, Love, and Learning to Lean

I think i consider myself a pretty independant person. Although there are a few people in my life that I rally towards and can't imagine my life without. I used to have a large circle of friends and as I get older- I see that circle getting smaller and smaller. More intimate. More intense.
A bit over a year ago, My dear friend Michael emailed me, after a period of silence- to tell me had just been diagnosed with cancer. He began his journey of waiting for the surgery, and waiting to start Chemo, and radiation. I had never been around someone that had more peace with such a life altering challenge. He is one of my Life Heros for the way he clung to the Lord.
I would like to think that I would have the kind of steadfast Faith Michael displayed. He isnt married, he doesnt have any kids- he is alot like me- yet he rarely complained. It's as if Michael knew to lean on God- for he is the only true source of comfort we have in this world.
Michael is not a complainer- but as a long distance best friend- I would have felt more helpful if I could have just listened to his struggles, and pains, and fears a bit more.
Yet, I know that it is not my role to be his Savior. Michael already has one.
I say this all, because I feel that there are more people out there that are hurting and dont have a relationship with God. And there are many of us that do, that know what it is like to be lost, to be hurting, to feel void of hope.
My friend Michael has proved to me in a way im sure he dont even know about- that God is the ultimate healer. And as I await the resolution of a current medical issue of mine- I pray that I keep the earthly example my Brother in Christ, Michael, Has set for me.
And that is to lean on God a bit more, and keep my eyes focused on Him to lead me thru day to day.
I love you equally more, Michael.

Julieloo

Ode to Joy

There are times when the slightest smell or sound can take you back to a place in time where you swear you are drowning in deja-vu. Like the other day I went to the car wash and splurged on the full carpet/floor mat/dash-interior cleaning package. I like to pamper my car. I mean, I figure if I can go get my pedicures, and eyebrow tints- Its the least I can do for my Fancy Sophia- or my Buick Rendevous. Apparently I didnt select from the fragrance list, so they just used the default- NewCarSmell. But somehow- it really didnt smell like new-car smell.. it really was like, Cranberry-Oatclusters with a dash of leather?

If you know me, you know im a smeller. I register people, and places and things, with smells. I have all my life. I would sit at my moms feet as she did dishes, or cooked, and would hold and sniff-explore the bottles of cleaners, candles, and boxes of cereals until she had to pry me off the floor and out of the cabinets.
I would just smell the plastic, the sugars, the lotions, the pine sol- and could amuse myself for hours.
Until one day, The Joy bottle was left corked open, and I squeezed it a bit as I was pulling it out of the cabinet. It caught my eye because my mom was doing the dishes, and she had just put it into the cabinet after filling the dispenser on the counter. Mind you- I was about 3-4 years old, and this is my first memory as a child. But the senses remember so much, even after all these years..
Well, my mom went to answer the phone- and this was when we actually had to answer phones and not know who it was on the other end prior to the Hello, and she sat down and started to gab for what seemed like hours. When in reality it probably was about 10 minutes.

I was amazed at the bubbles that came out of this yellow bottle. Bubbles were a facination to me. Well aren't they for most kids- and even some adults??

Well, I was in a sensory haze of a ton of chemicals that probably will cause some irrevocable disease some day- and after I went on to the next cabinet to pull out the pans to start my music training- I remember reaching for my yellow bottle to drink some juice, and didnt bat an eye when the juice had a thick soapy taste to it. I started to bang on the pans and just as my mom was ending her phone call, My brother Jim started laughing at me, because as I was singing along to my drum ruckus, I was hickuping out a collection of bubbles.

Seemed I had grabbed the wrong yellow bottle and didnt mind that I was now cross-eyed marveling at the bubbles I was creating out of my own mouth. My mom panicked and grabbed me, and started giving me cup fulls of water. Thinking that she would wash out the soap from my mouth. This of coarse made the situation worse.

My brother laughed hysterically, which made me laugh and hiccup the more.
It turns out my brother was watching me the whole time and saw that I didnt get into anything bad, but thought that the Joy would not hurt me. I was his little science experiment.

My mom to this day feels immence guilt about the bubbles and how free she was with my cabinet explorations.

I think that if I had kids- I would would be the paranoid mom with all the drawers and cabinets child locked.

So if you have any Olfactory people in your life- the ones that could spend a chunk of time in the candle isle, or the raincoat isle, or those that actually enjoy putting up new shower curtains just to smell the release of the encased plastic and be the first to capture it in their nostrils...
Just take comfort and knowing they probably will be good to have around if a fire ensues, or
you have some dishes to clean up.

Blessings,
Julieloo

Learning to speak Blogeese?

I have been putting off starting a blog for a while, and find that it just can NOT wait any longer to delve into the blog community. My goal is to have people post about their needs, and have others come to a place where they can help meet the needs of total strangers. Kind of like a Pay It Forward- type thing. I will start off with my journey and welcome you to share yours with me if you feel inclined. So without further ado..

My journey towards Christ is like many others. I was blessed to be around wonderful Christian friends. I didnt go to church with them on a weekly basis, but was around them enough to know that they ' had something' I wanted. A Peace, A calmness that pervaded the way they talked to others, the way they dealt with stress, and the way they lived their lives.
I was someone who got along with everyone. I had friends from all social circles in high school, as well as college and beyond. Yet I was always drawn more to both sides of the spectrum. My book ends were the people I wanted to be, and the people I had become.
To be more specific- Christians, and Addicts.
Can the two coincide, within one person- You betcha!
I had been living the life of an addict since my early high school years. My days were filled with a body image struggle, that led to a 15 year struggle with Bulimia, a dance with Anorexia and a Massive love affair with the Alcoholism. One addiction faded into another, and at times they fought for my affection like a room full of puppies at the pound.

A day in the life of an addict is horrific or glorious. Black or White. Very Good or Very Bad. A good day would mean that I was able to work out for 3 hours straight and not eat anything for 3 days prior. A good day would mean I coasted thru my day in a wine filled haze, and made it home safely without loosing my car, my keys, my wallet, my life. I bad day would normally mean that A friend tried again to stop me from going to the bar in between my classes, or offer to take me out for lunch, or beg and plead with me to eat something and keep it down.

I became a Master of Boundary setting. I let people in , or shut them out like a revolving door, yet there were few that kept coming back for more. They didnt understand addiction, and Im greatfull for that. Yet they showed me Love and compassion and at times tough Love. They loved me despite my gaping wounds, despite my path of self destruction.

I had a few willing participants in my walk on the wild side. Addicts like to stick together. but we are more than happy to travel down a dark alley alone if we have to. Its funny to me on how my life has changed. I finally had enough, and God started to pull back the layers, and dust me off in ways I fought against at first. I do believe that God can heal instantly. I dont feel I was one of those cases. I think that the walk back to myself had to be done in order for me to know what is at stake with my sobriety.

More to come....